100 day Chalange

So I have been seeing a lot about people doing 100 day Chalanges. So I figured this might be more fun then a resolution.

Since I some day want to walk the El Camino, I thought it would be fun to set a walking Chalange. 

So my Chalange is to walk 5k everyday for  the next 100 days.

Well day one was already a struggle. I already had plans for today so my day was busy and I was tired. I also had to convert 5k into miles. 3.107 apparently. Then I downloaded an app that would actually measure my walk. Once I was finally ready to walk the temperature had dropped quite a bit and it wasn't exactly raining, more like the air was wet lol. I seriously considered waiting a day.
But seriously I couldn't skip out on the Chalange the first day.
So I did it. And I am already soar lol.
I know it will get easier though.

Why all the hate?

You ever go on Facebook and see a cute video? Or on a group someone ask a question? You want my advice? Never read the comments.
I do not know why but it turns into a berating session. The cute video comments are all about how horrible what is happening in the video is, to how dumb the people are who are saying it is horrible.
The questions in groups are often met with snide remarks or insincere replies.
And for some reason people always have to pull politics into it.
I simply do not understand why people have to be this way.
When I disagree with a post or don't like a video or think a person has asked a really stupid question, know what I do? I keep scrolling. There is enough genuine crap in this world that we do not need to add to it with stupid mean comments.
Not really anything I can do about it I guess, except to keep ignoring the hateful stuff I see on others post. Oh and be greatful that the hate hasn't found its way to my own posts, videos and questions.

Money sucks

Somehow I figured that by the time I was in my 40's money wouldn't be such an issue. And don't get me wrong, it isn't like we don't have enough money to pay our bills or anything. However once the bills are paid there isn't enough money left over for a whole lot else.
Every time I think I am making headway something comes up.
I do not get paid for days I don't work. And during the holiday season there are a lot of days I don't work. During the summer I work but a lot less hours. So often it seems once I am a bit cought up from one of these times, boom the other one hits.
There is a light at the end of the tunnel, because one rather large monthly payment I have will be gone in about 2 years. This little voice inside of me starts piping up warning me that there will just be a new bill to take its place. Naturally I hope this damned voice is wrong, but I don't know.
This time of year it gets me because my husband has a birthday coming up and then it will be Christmas right after that. During the summer it gets me because my Children are home from school and I can't afford to do anything with them.
Again, I am well aware of the fact that many have it worse then me. It just would be nice to have a bit more and to get to make that purchus I want instead of saying, no I really need to pay my car insurance first lol.
Oh well this was me just venting a bit.

Sometimes I feel really tired

There are days that I am going along and I feel like I have got it together. Or at the very least I am well on my way to it.
Then there are other days that I get very tired.
I get tired because life threw me not one but 5 curveballs all at once. And I get overwhelmed. Then I get really tired and I retreat into my own little hole. The problem with this is, the rest of my life kind of starts falling apart because I am not dealing with it.
I have been in one of these slumps for a very long time now. Today, I am forcing myself to start climbing out of my whole.
I have a list of goals for today. Not a to do list because right now a to do list is to much, and I will be mad with myself if I don't complete it. So just a list of goals of things I would like to complete today. And it is actually a short list. I am hoping this will help me feel better, give me the energy to start facing some issues that really do need to be addressed, and help me feel less tired.
Wish me luck ;)

New Year

Well here it is another year has come and gone.
I don't know if it is because I am older or what, but time is passing way to fast. Slow down a bit time.
So now we should be thinking about resolutions. Usually I have a hard time with this but this year I have resolutions for my mental spiritual well being and for my physical life.
For my physical life my resolution is to simply declutter my enviournment. I feel like I am drowning in an unorganized mess of clutter. No more. Time to get rid of it, and organize what is left. By the way this is going to take a long while. I am hoping to get a chunk done soon to have visible results to keep me motivated. I know myself well enough to know if I don't see a diffrence soon this resolution will fail.
As for my emotional spiritual resolutions there are three. 1. Forgive 2. Apologies 3. Ask for help.
First of I "forgive" easily on a superficial level. I say it doesn't matter. I make excuses for what ever it is. I "forgive" but not really. I still dredge it up in my mind all the time. I harp on things all the time. I can not let it go. I never bring it up out loud, but it is still there in my mind. That isn't good. I have no idea how I will go about this but I will work on it.
Secondly I will apologize when I am in the wrong. I am really good on the meaningless apologies. Sorry I was running late, sorry I bumped into to you and so on. But the really true apologies, not so much. I messed up, or I was wrong. Those kind of apologizes I am good at avoiding. Somehow sweep it under the carpet. It is hard to face when you have truly done someone wrong somehow. But I will try to do better.
Thirdly asking for help is very hard for me. I feel like I have to do things all on my own. At times I also expect others to know I need help then get upset when they don't offer it. However how can they when I don't ask. So I will work on this.
Will I achieve my resolutions? No idea but I will try.

40 is not equal to 40

As I stated in my last post, 40 doesn't equal 40.
From a mathematical point of view this is totally wrong of course. However in life this is definitely true.
My mother had me at 40. The same age I am now.
My Mom was fun and active. She always knew what was cool and trending. She had amazing skin and hair. All around she just seemed younger. In fact compared to most of my friends my Mom always seemed to be the young one, even though she was the oldest. Often by at least 10 years. I was the kid with the cool Mom.
Now here I am at 40. Unlike my Mother my energy is pretty low. Even though I like to think I am pretty cool, I know I am not as in touch with what is hot and what is not as I would like to be. I already have crows feet and kind of a lot of gray hair.
Life just isn't fair. But what is it that keeps her so young for so long and has me aging much faster.
I don't think it is life stress. While I am sure it plays it's part, my mother had a hard life. She lived through a war (and yes she was a Child in Germany during WWII, so she really lived through war) She was sexually assaulted at a young age, had an abusive first husband, and raised 4 boys on her own. Then at 40 (20 years after her oldest and 16 after her youngest) She had another baby with her second husband.
My life on the other hand has been pretty easy. I had supportive parents (who yes had their problems, but who doesnt?) I met my husband in my very early 20's and here we are still happily married after all these years. We do have our occasional problems, but he is most definitely not abusive. I only have two Children and they are 9 years apart. So really stress isn't it... .well unless it is stress that has kept her young.
It could be general health I guess. My mother has had diabetes and high blood pressure for as long as I can remember, but other then that she has been pretty healthy.
I am healthy on the books but I do have a severe wait problem that causes me problems. It doesn't take much to wear me out and I spent probably a good 4 years in a constant  state of pain. I have only actually been pain free for a few months, and part of me worries it is just temporary. I am sure that has a lot to do with it.
Maybe it is just attitude. My Mom always said she never knew how old she was until she looked into a mirror. I on the other hand am always very aware of how old I am, how many more years before I hit a certain age, or before my Children will reach a certain mile stone in life.
I think that might actually be a big part of it. My mother always lived for the moment  (now that she is 80 and my father passed she lives in the past and age has definitely caught up with her) where I always have been planning what will come next.
So I guess my goal should be to live more in the now. (Feel like that is a contradiction some how lol)
I might not turn back the hands of time but maybe I can slow them down.

Hubby's High School reunion

Last night we went to my husbands High School reunion.
Not the official one, but the one thrown by a friend, for everyone who hung out together in High School.

It still amazes me what a very wide array of friends my husband has. Everything from the up and coming business man, to the go lucky no worries kind of guy. The people that will never have to worry about money and the people who will always have to worry about money. Yet when these guys get together, there is no social or economical class or division of. No, there are only buddies hanging out reliving old memories having a good time.

The thing is, it isn't as if life choices put them in these roles. Life choices helped, don't get me wrong, but the really rich friends had lots of money when they where in High School, and the really poor had none. But these guys didn't care. They enjoyed each others company, so they hung out and where friends.

I wish everyone was like this. Let's not look to see how much your bottom line is worth. Let's look to see if we like each other and get along. Life should always be like this.

The other thing that totally amazed me, where how many of the women there where pregnant. To be fair, I am a year and a half older then my husband, so I was the oldest one there. Some of the wives are younger than their husbands, but no one has like a super young wife. It struck me that if I where to get pregnant again, I don't know how I would handle it. Then I got to thinking about the fact that many older women have babies. In fact my mother had me at 40. The very next thought I had was that 40 is not equal to 40. This will be something that I write about in another blog post.

Again I was struck by how little it mattered where we were in our lives. The guys who have never had a serious relationship, the married couple expecting their first, the married couples expecting their 'not first' and us couples who are done having children. The differences don't matter to this group.

I guess the whole point of this blog post is, that I am greatfull to have people in my life, that just care about the fact that they enjoy each other's company, and that is it.